“Why You Can’t Make Decisions After a Toxic Relationship

— And How to Reclaim Your Voice”

Reclaiming Your Voice: Why Decision-Making Feels Impossible After Toxic Relationships

Have you ever found yourself staring blankly at a menu, feeling overwhelmed by choices? Or been frozen by a simple question like, “What do you want to do today?” If you’ve come out of a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, you’re not alone. The ability to make decisions — big or small — can completely shut down. But why?

This blog explores the psychological and emotional roots of decision paralysis, how our upbringing plays a role, and what it actually takes to rebuild your inner voice and reclaim your right to choose.

The Hidden Cost of Toxic Relationships: Decision Paralysis

One of the most subtle — and often overlooked — effects of toxic relationships is how they erode your ability to make decisions. It doesn’t happen overnight. It happens slowly, like a dripping tap, one demeaning comment or manipulated moment at a time.

In emotionally abusive dynamics, control is the name of the game. And one of the easiest ways to control someone is to dismantle their confidence in their own choices.

You may have:

·       Been criticised for making your own decisions.

·       Punished — emotionally or physically — for acting independently.

·       Guilt-tripped into doing what your partner wanted, even if it hurt you.

At first, you might have stood your ground. But when the backlash became predictable — when “choosing for yourself” meant conflict, cold shoulders, or chaos — your body started learning that choosing = danger.

Over time, your nervous system gets stuck in a trauma loop:
“Better not say anything.”
“Better not pick the restaurant.”
“Better not make a fuss.”

Choosing becomes a risk. So you stop choosing. You freeze. You default to “whatever they want.” You silence your inner voice just to survive.

And the cost? You lose yourself. Your preferences blur. Your boundaries fade. And even after the relationship ends, the fear lingers — like a phantom gripping your throat every time someone asks, “What do you want?”

This is the hidden cost:
A beautiful, capable, intelligent human… trained to doubt their own intuition.

But here's the truth no one told you: That voice isn’t gone. It’s just been buried. You can get it back. And when you do, every small decision becomes a radical act of self-love.

Conditioned From Childhood: How We Learned Not to Choose

It’s not just the toxic partner who programmed this behaviour — many of us were conditioned from childhood to be indecisive, to avoid risk, and to stick to choices no matter what. Think about these common messages:

• “You made your bed, now lie in it.”

• “Don’t be flaky.”

• “You asked for this, so you have to finish it.”

Parents and caregivers may have meant well, but these ideas created deep-rooted shame around changing our minds or asking for help. As kids, we were often discouraged from speaking up, changing direction, or trusting our instincts — especially if it conflicted with authority.

So, when we enter adulthood and face complex choices (especially in relationships), we may already have a faulty blueprint that tells us:

• If I make the wrong choice, I’ll be judged.

• If I change my mind, I’ll disappoint people.

• If I need help, I’m weak.

Post-Divorce or Post-Abuse: What Decision Paralysis Looks Like

After leaving a toxic relationship, this internalised fear doesn’t just disappear. In fact, it often intensifies because now the decisions really are yours. And that’s terrifying.

You might notice:

• Constantly deferring to friends or family to decide for you.

• Panic over simple choices like dinner, clothes, or plans.

• Avoiding opportunities because they involve making a commitment.

• Feeling unable to even name what you want anymore.

At this stage, the fear of making a mistake is amplified — because no one else is there to blame. It’s just you. You finally have the freedom to choose, and yet every decision feels like it carries life-or-death weight. It’s paralysing.

This paralysis doesn’t stay confined to your personal life. It spills over into your career, your finances, your health, your friendships — every corner of your world. You may even begin to feel ashamed of your indecision, wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”

But here’s the truth: nothing is wrong with you. You are not broken. You’re healing. What you’re experiencing is a trauma response — one that kept you safe once, but now keeps you stuck. The more you avoid choosing, the more disempowered you feel. And the more disempowered you feel, the more you avoid choosing. It’s a vicious cycle, but it can be broken.

Reclaiming Your Voice: The Path Back to Choice

The good news? This is not permanent. You can learn to choose again. You can rebuild that muscle.

Reclaiming your voice after abuse or toxic control isn’t about suddenly making big life-altering decisions. It’s about taking back the power to choose, one small moment at a time. Here’s how you begin:

• ·       Start small. Begin with low-stakes choices. What would you like to eat today? What music do you want to listen to? What shirt feels good to wear? These may seem minor, but they’re training your nervous system to feel safe choosing again.

• ·       Notice your preferences. You may have lost touch with what you like. Start paying attention to what makes you feel good or calm or joyful. Do you prefer tea or coffee? Silence or music? Walking alone or with someone? This awareness is how you begin rebuilding self-trust.

• ·       Challenge the fear. When you feel the freeze response kick in, pause and gently ask: “What am I afraid will happen if I choose?” Bring the fear into the light. Is it about conflict? Disapproval? Rejection? Often, naming it reduces its grip.

• ·       Learn to say no. Saying “no” is one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your voice. Practice with little things. No, I don’t want another drink. No, I’m not free that day. It’s okay to disappoint someone else if it means honouring yourself.

• ·       Let go of perfection. There is no perfect decision. Every choice comes with learning. Start to see decisions not as “right or wrong,” but as opportunities to learn more about yourself. This removes the pressure and gives you space to grow.

• ·       Celebrate every choice. Every time you make a decision — even a tiny one — celebrate it. Say to yourself, “That was me. I did that.” This positive reinforcement tells your brain that choosing is safe, and even empowering.

• ·       Surround yourself with choice-supportive people. Healing requires safety. Spend time with people who support your voice, who ask what you want, and who don’t shame you when you say it. Your healing environment matters.

The path back to your voice isn’t a straight line — it’s a series of brave little moments that say: I matter. My voice matters. My choices matter.

And with time, practice, and compassion, that quiet voice inside you will rise again — clear, strong, and beautifully yours.

The Role of Boundaries in Decision-Making

Boundaries are the unsung heroes of healthy decision-making. Without them, our choices tend to reflect what other people want, not what we truly need. After a toxic relationship, boundaries often feel blurred or non-existent — and that makes choosing anything feel overwhelming.

Boundaries are not walls to keep people out. They’re gentle but firm lines that define where you end and someone else begins. They help you recognise your own thoughts, feelings, values, and needs — and make decisions from your centre, not someone else’s expectations.

Here’s how poor boundaries impact your decision-making:

• ·       You say yes when you mean no.

• ·       You agree to things out of guilt or fear of conflict.

• ·       You struggle to tell the difference between what you want and what others expect.

When you don’t have strong boundaries, even simple decisions feel loaded with pressure. You may feel the need to ask for permission, over-explain yourself, or second-guess every move. It’s exhausting. It’s paralysing. And it keeps you small.

But when you start setting clear boundaries — with time, energy, relationships, and even your own inner critic — decision-making becomes a lot easier.

You learn to:

• ·       Trust your gut.

• ·       Say “no” without guilt.

• ·       Choose things based on what feels good for you — not just what keeps others happy.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect. It teaches your nervous system that your needs matter. That your voice deserves space. And that it’s safe to have preferences, make decisions, and change your mind.

If decision-making is the house, boundaries are the foundation. They keep it stable, grounded, and built for you — not for someone else to control.

What If You’ve Forgotten What You Want?

It’s more common than you think — standing in front of a fridge, a clothing rack, or even a job application and thinking, “I don’t know what I like anymore.”

That’s not you being indecisive.

That’s a symptom of having lived in survival mode for too long.

When you’ve spent years in a relationship — or even a lifetime — putting other people’s needs, moods, and opinions first, your own wants start to fade into the background. It’s like turning down the volume on your own station until you can’t hear it anymore.

You stop asking:

• ·       “What do I feel like doing?”

• ·       “What lights me up?”

• ·       “What feels good for my body, mind, and soul?”

Because somewhere along the way, those questions stopped feeling safe to ask. Or maybe you just stopped thinking they mattered.

You might:

• ·       Say “I don’t mind” so often it becomes your default.

• ·       Feel anxious when someone asks, “What do you want?”

• ·       Think your desires are selfish or inconvenient.

• ·       Avoid making plans in case they don’t please someone else.

And let’s be real — if no one has allowed you to want something for yourself in a long time, why would you even know how to start?

But here's the good news: Desire isn’t gone. It’s just sleeping.
And like any long nap, you can gently wake it up.

Here’s how to begin:

·       Treat yourself like someone worth getting to know.
Ask yourself questions like: What did I love as a kid? What hobbies made time fly? If I had a full free day, what would I want to do?

·       Give yourself permission to want badly.
Even if it’s “silly,” even if it’s just a cup of hot chocolate in the middle of summer. The point isn’t perfection — it’s practice.

·       Create a ‘Yes List.’
Every time you try something and like it — write it down. Music, scents, colours, foods, people, activities. This becomes a living record of you.

·       Notice what makes you jealous.
Jealousy isn’t bad. It often points to something you desire deep down. Use it as a compass.

·       Get quiet.
Not everyone will like this one, but silence helps. Even just 5 minutes a day of sitting still without distractions can reconnect you to the whisper of your own voice.

Reclaiming your desires after emotional neglect or manipulation isn’t selfish — it’s essential.
Because when you remember what you want, you remember who you are.

And that, dear one, is where the healing truly begins.

Reflection Questions to ask yourself or journal.

• Where in your life do you feel stuck in indecision?

• What beliefs from childhood might be keeping you frozen?

• When was the last time you changed your mind and felt empowered by it?

• Who in your life makes it harder for you to trust your decisions?

• What small choice can you make today that moves you forward?

Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Your Voice Is a Radical Act After Toxic Relationships

In toxic relationships, we’re trained to stay silent, to doubt ourselves, and to fear our own choices. But reclaiming your voice is more than just healing — it’s an act of power.

Every time you choose for yourself, you take a step away from fear and toward freedom.

You don’t need permission to change your mind. You don’t need to justify saying no. You’re allowed to speak up, take up space, and trust your intuition again.

Whether you’re fresh out of a toxic relationship or years into your healing, remember this:

“I trust my inner voice. I am free to choose again and again.”

You are not broken. You are remembering. You are not lost — you’re finding your way back to yourself.
And your voice? It never left. It’s been waiting for this moment — to rise, to be heard, and to lead you forward.