Why High-Functioning Women Stay Too Long in Unhappy Marriages

Embracing Your Uniqueness After Divorce

A Journey of Transformation, Healing, and Quiet Greatness

Originally written December 2023, expanded for deeper understanding

We are all unique.

We are all different.

Yet in so many ways, we are all the same.

Every one of us desires love and acceptance. That is one of our most basic human needs.

This is my story and confession about being different, and how that difference shaped the choices I made in my life, including the relationships I stayed in, the silence I kept, and the life I thought I was supposed to live.

I hope that somewhere in my life lessons, you might recognise parts of your own story.

Feeling Like the Square Peg in the Round Hole

From childhood through to adulthood, I have always seen myself as different.

I often felt like the square peg in a round hole, a misfit, or someone who simply perceived the world differently from everyone else.

I felt that I didn’t see things the same way as everyone else.

Occasionally, I would muster the courage to speak up and question things, but most of the time I kept it to myself. I was afraid people would find me weird, different, or even crazy.

Mum actually told me I was different to the other kids, and the evidence was there. I could see it, she wouldn't lie to me, so I agreed with her.

And here’s the problem.

We don’t want to be different. None of us really do.

All I ever really craved was to be “normal” or to be the same as everyone else. To fit in.

I had some good skills. I was creative. Intellectually, I seemed to be able to keep up.

And ssshhhh…

Don’t tell anyone, but I was also spiritually aware.

As I found later in my adult life, I could see things, feel things, or just know things in ways that didn’t make logical sense.

These skills were 100 percent embarrassing to me.

How could I tell anyone that?

So I shut them down. Hid them. Pretended they didn't exist.

I leaned into my intellect because intellect is acceptable. It is measurable. It is normal.

These other skills felt different to what other people talked about, so I assumed they were wrong. That I was wrong.

And when you believe you are wrong, you don’t express yourself.

You conform.

You deny parts of yourself and quietly hope no one notices.

How We End Up Living Someone Else’s Life

This is how many of us become high-functioning women who appear capable, successful, and “fine”, yet feel quietly disconnected from ourselves.

We learn very early that belonging requires adjustment.

That love is earned through compliance.

That acceptance comes from fitting in, not standing out.

So we edit ourselves.

We shrink our instincts.

We stop asking questions.

We follow expectations.

And eventually, we stop asking the most important questions of all:

Who am I? and What do I actually want?

Many of my clients appear to be coping on the outside but feel very different internally, something we discussed in our podcast I Look Fine But I’m Not Fine.

Marrying for Love, Staying for Safety

I married young because I found someone who I thought loved me.

At the time, I had no idea that we were really two broken souls (kids really) who both craved love and connection.

That was the reason we got together in the first place.

He felt love by being able to dominate someone.

And I felt love through what I thought was devotion to me.

So I allowed his behaviour.

Looking back now, I don’t think either of us were authentically who we really were.

I know I certainly wasn’t.

Yet I wouldn’t change a thing.

Because every experience, painful or not, contributed to my growth and learning.

This is something I now speak about often in my work around emotional abuse and divorce.

Not because the behaviour was acceptable.

But because the relationship usually reflects a pattern that existed long before we met our partner.

Two nervous systems recognising familiarity, not necessarily safety.

Two people unconsciously recreating dynamics that feel like love because they feel known.

Life Is Full of Lessons

I can now appreciate that my life has been perfect for me.

I needed all of it. Every single bit of it.

All the disrespect.

All the neglect.

All the confusion.

All the moments where I questioned my sanity.

Because those experiences eventually led me to learn the importance of loving myself, rather than seeking validation from someone else.

Yes, I have done the work.

I have done the retrospection.

I have dissected everything so I could extract the life lessons from it.

And some of that work was hard.

Very hard.

Extremely hard.

But I did it.

Because eventually, coping is no longer enough.

Eventually, the quiet grief of living a life that doesn’t feel like yours becomes too loud to ignore.

And that is often when women begin their healing journey after divorce.

What Others Tell You Begins to Matter Less

This has been a long journey.

It took until my 60’s for me to break free and openly discuss and accept who I am fully.

My ex used to tell me that I was stupid.

A nutbag.

Eccentric.

Out there.

That I had no taste in clothes.

That I was embarrassing.

Over time, I began to feel useless.

Ashamed.

Embarrassed for simply being me.

Now, to be fair, I probably was some of these things in certain areas.

And now I can own that.

But I can also embrace it.

Because my transformative healing journey has changed the way I see most things in life now.

I understand there are levels of different.

And different is not wrong.

Different is not broken.

Different is simply unfamiliar.

Accepting Myself for Who I Am

The labels others placed on me no longer define me.

Because I have accepted myself.

It has taken me until my 60’s to realise my skills, accept them, own them, and yes, even love them.

I can now use them to my full potential, or as I see fit.

And it is especially rewarding to recognise these parts of myself now that I use them with my clients.

Because this is the work.

Not becoming someone else.

But remembering who you were before you learned to edit yourself.

My Big Confession

Here is something that perhaps not even my children know.

I have healing hands.

I rarely use them in a formal way, but I can send energy into people and make a difference to how they feel in their bodies.

I studied Reiki 1, but found it too restrictive.

My intuition felt like a stronger guide than following someone else’s directions.

I also studied oracle readings once and was told I was very accurate, but at the time I found it difficult to trust what was coming through.

Now, I simply allow the knowing.

And I use it in what I do every day.

Self Discovery Through Holistic Counselling

When I see Holistic Counselling and Root-Cause Therapy clients, I often pull an oracle card before I see them.

It frequently gives me a direction that proves incredibly relevant.

I get to know them.

I connect with them.

And intuitively, I begin to see the patterns that may be keeping them stuck.

I often know what needs to shift in their life to create change.

And more importantly, I know what to say that gently challenges the way they have previously thought about themselves.

Not to fix them.

But to offer them a different perspective.

Because awareness is where change begins.

As I often speak about in my work around:

• Awareness

• Desire

• Decision

• Choice

• Mastery

Knowing is not the same as changing.

Because you cannot choose what you haven’t named.

Divorce as a Doorway to Greatness

Divorce is often the moment when the life we built based on compliance begins to unravel.

Not because we failed.

But because the version of us who created it no longer exists.

And here is the truth that many women struggle with.

Greatness is not about becoming extraordinary.

It is about becoming authentic. Authentically YOU!

It is about choosing yourself for the first time, often after decades of choosing everyone else.

It is about saying:

“I may not know exactly who I am yet, but I am no longer willing to be who I am not.”

Acknowledgement Is Everything

Am I different?

Perhaps.

But many of us are. And that maybe is normal?

And who cares if I am different.

Because I love who I have become.

And I accept the person I have become.

We are all special.

We are all unique.

Every single one of us.

Besides…

Who would want to be the same as everyone else anyway? Wouldn't life be boring then!

Embrace your uniqueness.

There is no one else in the world like you. So you really are special!

And remember,

Your future is created by what you do today.

If this resonates with you and you're beginning to question the life you’ve been living, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.

I work with women who appear capable on the outside but feel disconnected from themselves on the inside, often after separation or divorce.

You can learn more about working with me through Holistic Counselling or join The Change Makers community where we explore the patterns that keep us stuck, and gently create new choices moving forward.