Coercive Control in Divorce:

What Family Lawyers Are Really Seeing in Their Clients

When a client sits in front of a Family Lawyer and seems confused, overwhelmed, or unable to make decisions, it’s easy to focus on the behaviour.

But what if the behaviour isn’t the problem?

What if it’s the evidence of something much deeper? Coercive Control.

In many family law cases, what looks like indecision, emotional instability, or inconsistency is actually the result of coercive control.

And when that isn’t recognised, both the client and the process suffer.

Because this isn’t a “normal” divorce.

This is the aftermath of long-term psychological conditioning.

And unless that is understood, nothing about the client’s behaviour will fully make sense.

“Sometimes we stay in toxic relationships because the pain of leaving seems greater than the pain of staying, even when those relationships are slowly eroding who we truly are.”

— Johann Hari, Lost Connections, 2018

What Is Coercive Control in Relationships

Coercive control is often misunderstood because it doesn’t look like what people expect abuse to look like.

There are no obvious injuries. No beatings, no bruises.

No clear moment where something “happened” and all hell broke loose.

And that’s exactly why it is so often missed.

Coercive control is not about one event.

It is about a pattern of behaviour that happens over time.

A pattern designed to control, dominate, and slowly dismantle another person’s sense of self.

It is subtle.

It is cumulative. And it is consistent over a long period of time.

And it works by changing how a person thinks, feels, and behaves.

It Starts Small, Then Builds

Coercive control rarely begins in an obvious or extreme way.

In the early stages, it can feel like concern.

Or care.

Or even protection and is mascurated by the feeling of love.

Comments like:

“I’m just trying to help you.”
“You don’t need them, I’m here for you.”
“I know what’s best for you.” "I'll protect you"

At first, this may not feel harmful.

In fact, it can feel supportive and lovely that someone is looking after you.

But over time, the pattern shifts.

There is more criticism.

More correction.

More questioning and interrogation.

And gradually, the other person’s voice becomes the dominant voice, the only voice that is heard.

It Is About Control, Not Conflict

One of the most important things to understand is this.

Coercive control is not about losing control.

It is about maintaining peace.

The person inflicting the control is not someone who is out of control in the moment.

They are often someone who is very controlled.

Very aware.

And very deliberate and consistent in how they influence the other person.

Which is why it can be so hard to identify.

Because externally, they may appear calm.

Reasonable.

Even charming.

But the control is happening in quieter manipulative ways and often behind closed doors.

It Works by Undermining Reality

A key part of coercive control is changing how the other person sees themselves and their reality.

This can happen through repeated messages such as:

“That’s not what happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“You’re too sensitive.” "You're memory is shocking."

Over time, this creates doubt.

Not just about the relationship.

But about their own thoughts.

Their own feelings.

Their own judgement.

Their own behaviour.

And once that doubt is in place…

Control becomes much easier.

Because the person no longer trusts themselves.

It Creates Dependence

As confidence reduces, dependence increases.

This can be emotional.

Financial.

Or social.

The person may become isolated from friends and family, taken away from familiar places and people, so they have to rely on their partner.

Their access to money may be limited or controlled and all their spending is questioned and analysed.

Their decisions no matter how big or small, may be questioned or overridden.

And gradually, their world becomes smaller.

With fewer points of reference outside the relationship.

This is not accidental.

It creates a situation where leaving feels harder.

And staying feels safer because they know how to behave.

It Is Often Invisible From the Outside

One of the reasons coercive control is so difficult in family law cases is that it is not always visible.

There may be no clear incident to point to.

No single moment that explains everything.

Instead, it is the accumulation of small moments.

Repeated consistently over time, so it becomes the reality.

And when your client tries to explain it, she may struggle.

Because it doesn’t come as a clear story.

It comes as a feeling and a belief that they are questioning.

“I felt like I was losing myself.”
“I didn’t feel like me anymore.”

This is where it can be misunderstood.

Because without visible evidence, it can be minimised.

Or questioned.

It Changes Who the Person Becomes

Coercive control does not just affect behaviour.

It affects identity.

Over time, the person adapts to the environment they are in.

They may become:

More cautious
More agreeable
More focused on avoiding conflict

Not because that is who they are.

But because it was what kept things stable.

So by the time they leave the relationship…

They are not showing up as their full, confident self.

They are showing up as someone who has been shaped by that experience.

Why This Matters

Understanding coercive control at this level is important.

Because without this understanding, the behaviour you see later does not make sense.

The indecision.

The confusion.

The emotional responses.

They are not random.

They are the outcome of a system that has been in place for years.

And once you see that system…

You start to understand the person in front of you in a completely different way.

If you want a deeper understanding of how these dynamics play out in separation, you may find this helpful:
https://loreneroberts.com/post/divorcing-a-narcissist-practical-steps

Why Coercive Control Matters in Family Law Cases

When coercive control is part of the relationship, the divorce process changes.

Because the goal of the other party is often not resolution.

It is control.

And sometimes, it goes even further than that.

It becomes about destroying the other person.

Financially.
Professionally.
Socially.

This can show up as:

Endless delays
Unnecessary disputes
Withholding money
Refusing to agree on simple matters

Not because it is logical.

But because it creates pressure.

It can also involve attempts to undermine your client’s credibility.

Questioning her mental state.
Rewriting history.
Positioning her as unstable or unreliable.

This is something I also explore in more depth here:
https://loreneroberts.com/post/how-to-survive-and-thrive-divorce-and-narcissism

At the same time, the other party may present well.

Calm.
Reasonable.
Cooperative.

While your client appears:

Emotional
Confused
Inconsistent

And without understanding coercive control, it can look like the roles are reversed.

But what you are seeing externally does not reflect what has been happening behind closed doors.

What Coercive Control Looks Like in Your Clients

This is where it becomes visible.

Not in theory.

But in the way your client shows up in your office.

You may notice she struggles to make decisions.

Even small ones.

You ask what she wants to do.

And she doesn’t know.

Or she hesitates.

Or she avoids answering.

This is not avoidance.

It is a loss of trust in her own thinking.

You may notice she changes her mind.

A decision is made.

Then revisited.

Then undone.

You may notice she seeks constant reassurance.

You explain something clearly.

But she asks again.

Because she is not just asking for information.

She is asking if it is safe to trust that information.

You may notice overwhelm.

Simple processes feel too much.

Paperwork.
Emails.
Timelines.

You may notice strong emotional reactions to communication.

An email comes in.

And suddenly everything shifts.

You may notice she second-guesses everything.

Even after decisions are made.

You may notice she agrees in the moment.

Then later panics.

You may notice she knows something was wrong.

But cannot clearly explain it.

If you’re seeing this pattern repeatedly, it’s worth understanding that this behaviour is not random.

It is often deeply connected to coercive control and emotional abuse dynamics.

Why Clients Struggle to Make Decisions After Coercive Control

To understand the behaviour, you need to understand the mechanism.

This is not personality.

This is conditioning.

Over time, your client has learned how to stay safe.

Stay quiet.
Agree.
Avoid.

She has also lost trust in herself.

Her thoughts have been questioned.

Her feelings dismissed.

Her reality rewritten.

So when you ask what she wants, she may not know.

Or she may not trust the answer.

Her nervous system is also playing a role.

She may be constantly alert.

Scanning for threat.

So when something happens in your process, her body reacts before her mind.

This is why you see panic, overwhelm, and shutdown.

There is also fear of consequences.

“How will he react?”
“Will this make things worse?”

Even if that reaction is no longer immediate, her system still expects it.

This is why decision-making becomes so difficult.

If you want to explore how women begin to rebuild after this, this article expands on that process:
https://loreneroberts.com/post/how-to-survive-and-thrive-divorce-and-narcissism

What Not to Do When Working With These Clients

Most of what doesn’t help comes from trying to move things forward quickly.

Rushing decisions creates pressure.

Expecting immediate clarity creates confusion.

Labelling the client, even internally, changes how you respond.

Overloading with information overwhelms.

Dismissing emotional responses shuts things down.

And expecting normal behaviour in an abnormal situation leads to frustration.

It is also important not to take the other party at face value.

Because in many of these cases, presentation does not reflect reality.

What Actually Helps Clients Move Forward

The good news is, small shifts make a big difference.

Keep things simple and clear.

Focus on the next step.

Break decisions into smaller parts.

Give time, but keep structure.

Normalise her experience.

Create a sense of safety through calm, consistent communication.

Check for understanding, not just agreement.

Help her reconnect with her own voice.

Stay steady when she feels overwhelmed.

Understand that progress is not always linear.

And know when additional emotional support is needed.

Because when your client is supported emotionally, she becomes clearer.

More confident.

More able to engage.

Seeing It Differently Changes Everything

If your client seems difficult, pause.

What you are seeing may not be the problem.

It may be the result of years of conditioning, confusion, and loss of self-trust.

When coercive control is present, you are not just managing a legal case.

You are working within a psychological dynamic.

And when that dynamic is understood, everything shifts.

Your client feels safer.

She begins to trust herself again.

Her communication improves.

Her decision-making strengthens.

And the process starts to move forward in a more stable way.

Work With Me

If you are working with clients affected by coercive control and want to better understand what is happening beneath the surface, I offer resources and support specifically for professionals in this space.

You can explore more here:
https://loreneroberts.com/professional-resources

Or book a conversation with me:
https://explore.loreneroberts.com/widget/booking/mHre9grjzViUyTHYHhyy

Because when your client is supported emotionally, everything becomes easier.

For her.

And for you.

Remember: Your future is created by what you do today.

And sometimes, understanding what is really happening is the first step to changing everything.