Divorcing a Narcissist: A Holistic Approach to Healing and Moving Forward

Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be one of the hardest emotional battles anyone can face. It’s not just the legal process that’s challenging—it’s the constant emotional tug-of-war that leaves you feeling drained and questioning your reality. When you’re married to a narcissist, every discussion becomes a negotiation, and every boundary you set feels like a temporary line in the sand, quickly erased by their shifting demands.

Narcissists thrive on control, and when that control is threatened—like during a divorce—they often escalate their behaviour. Agreements that seemed clear yesterday are suddenly up for debate, as if the goalposts have been moved without warning. You find yourself caught in an exhausting game of cat and mouse, where the rules are ever-changing, and fairness is never part of the equation.

For many victims, the emotional toll becomes too much. They give up fighting, often walking away with nothing, just to be free of the manipulation and chaos. But for those who want to stand their ground and fight for what they deserve, the journey requires immense mental, emotional, and physical strength. The narcissist’s primary goal isn’t to resolve the divorce amicably—it’s to maintain power, to ‘win’ at all costs, and to ensure that you leave feeling defeated.

This relentless pattern leaves many victims feeling hopeless, questioning themselves, and struggling to make sense of what’s happening. The narcissist’s tactics—gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and emotional manipulation—are designed to wear you down, making you doubt your perceptions and decisions. This isn’t a typical divorce; it’s a drawn-out emotional battle where healing can feel impossible amidst the chaos.

But healing is possible. Understanding what you’re dealing with is the first step. It’s not your fault. You didn’t cause this behaviour, and you’re not overreacting. What you’re experiencing is real, and it’s okay to feel exhausted, confused, and overwhelmed. In this blog, we’ll explore not just how to survive the process but also how to heal from the trauma, reclaim your power, and move forward with confidence.

A Firsthand Experience of Divorcing a Narcissist

In my case, my ex was a clever man, as most narcissists are. He rarely used a lawyer himself, but I suspect he benefited from plenty of free initial consultations. His tactic was clear from the start—he flooded my lawyer with endless letters, phone calls, and irrelevant correspondence that avoided addressing the key issues. He knew that every letter, every call, meant more legal fees for me. His goal? To drain my financial resources until I had no choice but to accept whatever meagre offer he made. And he almost succeeded.

After spending $10,000 with my first lawyer and seeing no meaningful progress, I was forced to switch lawyers. My second lawyer—a hard-hitting woman—was exactly what I needed, but he warned me she would get me nowhere. He threatened to drag things out, refusing to comply with her demands or even answer direct questions. Instead, he responded with endless counter-questions, turning every negotiation into a frustrating dead end.

Eventually, I had to change lawyers again, this time opting for a man with a fixed-price model and a thick skin. He became my saviour in the exhausting battle. Yet even with his help, my ex continued to move the goalposts. Every time we reached a settlement percentage he initially agreed on, he would later backtrack and demand more. As time went on, the percentage I was left with shrank further and further. By then, I was emotionally worn down. I was desperate for freedom, ready to give him anything just to regain my peace.

I started this process hoping for 65% of our shared assets, as my initial lawyer suggested was fair. In the end, I walked away with closer to 25% gross, and after costs, it probably amounted to only 10%. But for me, the settlement wasn’t about money anymore—it was about reclaiming my life.

What made the situation even harder was his ability to offload every possible expense onto me. I ended up covering everything—from home repairs, rates, and mortgage payments to house sale costs, credit card debt, and even funeral expenses for his father. He kept using our joint credit card long after our separation to fund dinners with his new partner, buy tyres for his car, and cover other personal expenses. On top of that, I took on the responsibility of helping our children relocate and set up new homes, something we had both agreed to support them with—except he never held up his end.

Throughout it all, I felt angry, frustrated, and emotionally drained. The entire process took a massive toll on my mental health. I wanted to be done with it, to move on and rebuild my life, but I knew that true healing couldn’t begin until the divorce was finalized. It was a long, painful journey, but I learned that sometimes, survival means letting go—not just of a toxic relationship, but also of expectations, resentment, and the desire to fight battles that drain you.

Unfortunately, engaging in direct conflict with your narcissistic ex often backfires, as it only fuels their desire for control and revenge. In the narcissist’s mind, the entire process of divorce isn’t just about dividing assets or making practical arrangements—it’s personal. To them, you’ve committed an unforgivable act by challenging their control and autonomy, and they believe you must be punished for it, regardless of who initiated the separation.

For a narcissist, divorce becomes another game in their endless quest for dominance. Just as they controlled the dynamics in the marriage, they’ll attempt to control the outcome of the divorce. The rules of this game are simple for them—win at any cost, and make sure you lose, no matter what it takes. It’s not about fairness, compromise, or logic; it’s about ensuring they walk away feeling victorious while leaving you emotionally and financially depleted. And because their sense of self-worth is tied to “winning,” they’ll keep shifting the goalposts, dragging things out, and making unreasonable demands just to stay in control.

You may already be familiar with their tactics from your time together—gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional blackmail—but during divorce proceedings, these behaviours often intensify. If they feel like they’re losing, they’ll double down on their efforts, becoming angrier, meaner, and more relentless. They’ll find new ways to torment you, whether through legal manoeuvres, financial pressure, or emotional attacks.

Here’s the hard truth: a narcissist doesn’t play fair, and they never truly stop until they feel they’ve “won.” Winning, to them, can mean anything from walking away with the lion’s share of assets to seeing you suffer emotionally. If that means involving your family or children to get under your skin, they won’t hesitate. If it means sabotaging something important to you—your career, your reputation, or even your new relationship—they’ll do it without remorse. Their primary goal is to maintain power and ensure that you feel the weight of their revenge.

Understanding this mindset can help you protect yourself. It’s crucial to approach the divorce not as a battle to be won but as a process to be navigated strategically. This isn’t about trying to reason with them or appeal to their better nature—they thrive on chaos and conflict, and they see every interaction as an opportunity to assert dominance. Instead, focus on minimizing contact, setting firm boundaries, and relying on legal and emotional support systems to help you through.

Top 10 Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist can feel like an emotional war that drags on forever. Their need to control, punish, and exhaust you can make the process overwhelming. But there are strategies that can make things a bit easier. These 10 steps will help you protect your peace, stay focused, and build a better life on the other side of the divorce.

1. Be Quick

Get through the divorce as fast as you can. Find a lawyer who understands the game and who is prepared to play it with you on your terms.  A narcissist thrives on dragging things out because it gives them more time to play mind games and keep you trapped in their web of control. The longer it takes, the more drained—emotionally, mentally, and financially—you will feel.

Example: Imagine you’re playing a board game with someone who keeps changing the rules to suit themselves. If you play for hours, you’ll be completely worn out, but if you wrap it up quickly, you won’t feel as defeated. Similarly, speed in divorce proceedings reduces their chances to wear you down.

Tip: Work closely with your lawyer to streamline the process. Try not to let emotions delay important decisions—focus on getting through it quickly so you can move on.

2. Play the Game

Narcissists are driven by their ego. They don’t necessarily want something because they need it or it is fair—they want it because you want it, and they can’t bear the thought of you getting it or to them it is “winning.” To get what you want, sometimes you have to play along with their game.

Example: When negotiating property, ask for way more than what you actually want. A narcissist loves the feeling of “taking” something from you, so by asking for a lot more, you increase the chances of walking away with closer to what you truly need.

Tip: Don’t reveal your real desires ever and never upfront. Always ask for way more than you think you can get and what you want, let them think they’re “winning” by negotiating down and giving you what you wanted all along (ssshhh… that can be our secret).

3. Cut Communication

One of the hardest, yet most effective things you can do is cut off ALL unnecessary communication. Narcissists feed off attention. Any form of contact—even arguments—gives them a sense of power over you.

Example: Lisa, a woman who went through a narcissistic divorce, found that every phone call with her ex left her feeling anxious and powerless. Once she blocked his number and let her lawyer handle all communication, she began to regain her emotional strength.

Tip: Block their number, unfollow them on social media, and avoid responding to any emails unless necessary or urgent. You may even find things you thought were necessary and urgent weren’t as they seemed and they have been exaggerated, twisted or completely false.  Let your lawyer handle all critical communication to keep things professional and prevent unnecessary stress.

4. Go to New Places

Familiar places can trigger memories of the past. Visiting spots you used to go together may bring back emotions that hinder your healing. Creating new routines, use different routes to go places and exploring fresh environments can help you move forward.

Example: After her divorce, Maria started going to a different coffee shop and joined a new fitness class. These small changes helped her focus on building a new life rather than dwelling on the past.

Tip: Try new hobbies, join new groups, visit new places, and surround yourself with new people who uplift and inspire you.

5. Engage People to Help You

Going through a narcissistic divorce isn’t something you have to do alone. Surround yourself with a strong support network, including professionals who understand the unique challenges you’re facing.

Example: A good counsellor can help you process the emotional trauma, while a life coach or mentor can guide you toward building a new future. Joining a support group for people who have experienced narcissistic abuse can also be incredibly healing—you’ll find people who truly understand what you’re going through.

Tip: Seek out professionals who specialize in narcissistic abuse and recovery. Narcissistic abuse is a unique form of trauma, and not every counsellor or support system fully understands its complexities. That’s why it’s critical to seek out professionals who specialize in narcissistic abuse and recovery. Their expertise goes beyond standard counselling; they understand the manipulative tactics you’ve endured and can offer tailored strategies for coping, healing, and regaining your confidence. 

These professionals emphasize compassion, understanding, and long-term healing. Whether it’s through one-on-one counselling, group therapy, or specialized workshops, having the right support can make all the difference in your recovery journey. Remember, this is not a journey you have to take alone—help is available, and you deserve to feel whole and happy again.

6. Start New Things

This is your opportunity for a fresh start. Engaging in new activities helps you shift your focus away from the past and onto your future.

Example: John, who felt lost after his marriage ended, started volunteering at a local animal shelter. Not only did it give him a sense of purpose, but it also introduced him to new people who shared his interests.

Tip: Think about things you’ve always wanted to try but never had the chance to, or things you did before you were in the relationship that you gave up. Whether it’s joining a book club, learning to paint, or signing up for a yoga class, getting fit so you can doing your first triathlon, new activities can help you rediscover yourself.

7. Reflect on the Relationship

This is No. 7 because it is not a thing you can do straight away, and you can only do it after you have grieved the relationship first and felt the emotions you are dealing with first from the loss of what you thought you had.  Once you are through this, which will be down the track, it’s important to reflect on your past relationship—not to dwell on the pain but to find the lessons. Acknowledge the positive moments, but also be honest about where things went wrong and what role you played in allowing certain behaviours.

Example: In my case, I realized that I had allowed certain bad behaviours to continue for too long because I didn’t set firm boundaries, I never said “no” because the consequences were too bad if I had refused what it was he was wanting. By reflecting on this, I learned the importance of standing up for myself early on in future relationships.

Tip: Always work with someone when you are doing this type of deep work, the emotional support and clarity they can give you will be so important to you.  Start a daily journaling process and write about all your emotions and what you are feeling.  Also go deeper, write down what you learned from the relationship and how it helped you grow. This perspective can turn a painful experience into a valuable life lesson.

8. Make You the Priority.

Change Your Mindset

Divorcing a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Rebuilding your confidence and self-worth should be a top priority, so put yourself first and do what you need to do to look after you.

Example: Sarah started keeping a gratitude journal where she wrote down three things she was thankful for each day. She also repeated positive affirmations each morning, which helped her shift her mindset from one of loss to one of hope and possibility.

Tip: Make a daily habit of practicing gratitude and affirmations. Remind yourself that you are strong, capable, and deserving of happiness.  Listen to music, sing and dance. 

9. Dream Big

Now that you’re free, it’s time to dream about the life you want. Visualize your ideal future and start making a plan to achieve it.

Example: Louise created a vision board filled with images that represented the life she wanted—a new home, a career she loved, and vacations she dreamed of taking. Each day, she spent a few minutes visualizing this future, which motivated her to take small steps toward making it a reality.

Tip: Don’t be afraid to dream big. Create a vision board or write down your goals, and break them into actionable steps. Believe that you deserve the life you’re dreaming of.

10. Enjoy and Celebrate

Once the divorce is finalized, take time to celebrate. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve to mark this new chapter of your life with joy and gratitude.

Example: Lisa threw a small party with her closest friends to celebrate the end of her divorce. It wasn’t about bitterness—it was about celebrating her new freedom and the bright future ahead.

Tip: Do something that brings you joy—whether it’s throwing a party, taking a solo trip, or simply spending a day doing things you love. This is the start of your new life, and it’s worth celebrating.

Final Thoughts

Divorcing a narcissist is far from easy, but with the right mindset and support, you can not only survive but thrive. By following these steps, you’ll protect your peace, rebuild your confidence, and create a future filled with joy, freedom, and new possibilities.

Remember, this is your journey, and you have the power to shape it. Stay strong, stay hopeful, and know that brighter days are ahead.