Breaking Old Patterns: How to Recognise Triggers & Rewrite Your Emotional History

Have you ever wondered why certain situations or people trigger strong emotions in you, even when logically you know there’s no reason to react? These triggers are more than just emotional reactions, they’re hidden mirrors, reflecting patterns from your past, your family, and even generations before you.

In this post, inspired by my latest podcast episode, we’ll explore what triggers really are, why they keep showing up, and how you can use them as opportunities to break old patterns, heal deeply, and create a life that truly fits you.

What Are Triggers?

Triggers are emotional sparks that activate patterns of behaviour, thought, or feeling that we’ve learned, often unconsciously, from childhood or past experiences.

Think of triggers as hidden mirrors: they reflect back the beliefs, habits, and emotional reactions you’ve inherited or learned over the years. Recognising them is the first step toward emotional freedom.

Example:

You might get irritated when a partner doesn’t reply quickly to a message. On reflection, you notice this mirrors your childhood experience where parental attention felt inconsistent. By recognising this, you can pause, reflect, and respond consciously rather than repeating the old pattern automatically.

Why We Repeat Old Patterns

Many triggers come from familiar emotional chemistry, which means your nervous system reacts to situations in ways it has learned and recognised as “normal” from your past. Even painful or uncomfortable experiences can feel familiar because they mirror patterns you grew up with, how your parents argued, expressed emotions, or responded to stress. Your brain prefers what it knows, not necessarily what’s healthy, so you may unconsciously be drawn to dynamics that recreate childhood patterns. For example, if you grew up with conflict or criticism, high-intensity or unpredictable relationships can feel familiar, while calm, stable connections may feel strange or even “boring.” Recognising this helps you understand why certain triggers occur and gives you the power to respond consciously instead of repeating old patterns.

1. Family Dynamics Shape Adult Reactions

• Childhood experiences influence how you communicate and respond emotionally.

• Surviving family dynamics can create adult patterns that feel automatic, for instance, taking on a caretaker role unconsciously.

Example:

• Emma, a woman in her 50s, grew up with a father who was emotionally unavailable, he rarely expressed affection, dismissed her feelings, and was often distracted or distant when she needed support. In real time, this meant that when Emma had a bad day at school or wanted to talk about her worries, her father might shrug it off, say “you’ll be fine,” or quickly move on to something else. As an adult, Emma finds herself drawn to partners who are struggling or needy, taking on a caretaker role because it feels familiar. She instinctively tries to “fix” or support them, just like she learned to do as a child, even if it doesn’t serve her well in her adult relationships.

2. Subtle Micro-Patterns Influence Relationships

• Triggers aren’t always obvious, tone, gestures, and micro-expressions can spark reactions rooted in old patterns.

• These micro-patterns shape relationships, self-worth, and emotional wellbeing over time.

Example:

·Sarah notices her partner’s sighs or eye-rolls trigger a defensive reaction. This means she feels suddenly criticized, dismissed, or attacked, even if that’s not the partner’s intention. In the moment, she might feel her chest tighten, her heart race, or an urge to justify herself or shut down emotionally. Recognising these small cues helps Sarah pause and respond consciously instead of automatically snapping, withdrawing, or over-explaining, allowing her to maintain connection and communicate more calmly.

3. Familiar Pain Feels Comfortable

• Your nervous system often prioritises familiarity over health. Chaotic or high-intensity relationships can feel addictive, while calm, stable partners may feel “boring.”

Example:

·Laura grew up in a household filled with frequent arguments and tension. As a child, she became accustomed to emotional intensity, loud voices, sudden conflicts, and unpredictable moods. As an adult, when she enters a calm and supportive relationship, she initially finds it unexciting or even uncomfortable because her nervous system is used to the “rush” of drama. She might notice herself feeling restless, looking for minor conflicts, or unconsciously creating tension. Understanding this pattern helps Laura pause and make conscious choices, appreciating stability and safety instead of automatically seeking drama that feels familiar but is not healthy.

4. Media & Cultural Influences

• TV shows, movies, and social media subtly shape expectations of love, gender roles, and relationship dynamics.

• Repeated on-screen patterns reinforce unconscious beliefs about what is “normal” in relationships.

Example:

Watching shows where one partner dominates the other, whether through controlling behaviour, belittling comments, or making all the decisions, can unconsciously shape how women see relationships. For instance, a woman might notice herself accepting small controlling behaviours from her own partner, thinking it’s normal or “just how relationships work.” At the same time, a man might internalise these patterns and feel it’s acceptable to control what his partner does, dictate decisions, or show disrespect if she doesn’t behave or follow his expectations. In real life, this could look like controlling the TV, ignoring her preferences, or dismissing her opinions. Recognising the influence of media helps both women and men see these patterns clearly and make conscious choices to build equality, respect, and healthy communication in their relationships.

Common Triggers Women Experience

• Abandonment, rejection, betrayal: Feeling unseen or unsupported, often rooted in childhood.

• Shame, guilt, or inadequacy: Internalised messages that you’re “not enough.”

• Loss, disappointment, unmet expectations: Triggers around perceived failure or unmet goals.

• Powerlessness, control issues, boundary violations: Reactions when limits are crossed.

• Performance anxiety or fear of failure: Old patterns of striving for approval or perfectionism.

Impacts of Unrecognised Triggers

When we don’t recognise our triggers, they quietly shape our lives, sometimes in ways we barely notice. For women, especially those juggling work, family, and personal growth, these impacts can ripple through relationships, self-worth, and everyday choices. Here’s what that looks like:

1. Eroded Self-Esteem

Unrecognised triggers often chip away at your confidence without you realising it. Imagine Sarah, a woman in her 40s, who constantly feels judged by her mother-in-law. Every time her mother-in-law criticises her cooking or parenting, Sarah reacts with irritation or defensiveness. Because she hasn’t recognised this trigger, she starts internalising the criticism, thinking, “Maybe I’m not good enough.”

Over time, these repeated reactions, always feeling “on edge” or “not enough”—erode self-esteem, making Sarah doubt her abilities in all areas of life, not just with her mother-in-law. She may avoid new opportunities, hold back her opinions, or struggle to advocate for herself at work, believing she’s somehow incapable or undeserving.

2. Avoidant Patterns in Relationships

Triggers can also make women unconsciously pull away from relationships. Take Emma, a woman in her 50s, who grew up in a home where her father was emotionally unavailable. When her partner doesn’t immediately respond to texts or seems distant, Emma feels a surge of anxiety and fear of abandonment. Without recognising this trigger, she starts avoiding closeness, withdrawing emotionally, or creating walls between herself and her partner to “protect” herself.

This avoidant pattern can look like:

·Cancelling plans to avoid potential conflict

·Avoiding emotional conversations

·Feeling disconnected even with people who truly care

The result? Emma may feel isolated, misunderstood, or disconnected in relationships, even with those who genuinely want to support her.

3. Increased Anxiety, Depression, or Addictive Behaviours

Triggers can amplify stress and emotional discomfort, sometimes leading to anxiety, low mood, or coping mechanisms that feel “safe” but are ultimately harmful. For example, Laura, a busy professional, has a trigger around criticism at work. Every time her boss points out an error, she relives childhood experiences of being belittled by her parents.

Without recognising the trigger, Laura begins to experience:

·Constant worry about mistakes

·Difficulty sleeping or relaxing

·Turning to comfort eating, alcohol, or shopping to numb the feelings

These behaviours may offer temporary relief but don’t address the underlying emotional patterns. Over time, unrecognised triggers can escalate into persistent anxiety or depression, making everyday life feel heavy or overwhelming.

4. Professional Challenges

Triggers don’t just impact personal life, they can also affect your career. Consider Rachel, a woman in her 30s, who was raised in a family where she was never “allowed to speak up” or voice her needs. At work, when a colleague disagrees with her, she feels a surge of panic or self-doubt.

Because she hasn’t recognised the trigger, Rachel might:

• ·Avoid asserting her ideas in meetings

• ·Doubt her abilities even when she’s qualified

• ·Hesitate to ask for promotions or recognition

These repeated responses can limit career growth, decrease job satisfaction, and reinforce the belief that she’s not capable, when in reality, the problem is the unrecognised trigger, not her competence.

Takeaway:
Unrecognised triggers act like invisible roadblocks in our lives. They silently erode confidence, create distance in relationships, increase stress, and limit professional growth. The good news? By spotting triggers, understanding their origin, and responding consciously, women can reclaim their confidence, deepen relationships, manage stress, and thrive in all areas of life.

Practical Steps to Recognise and Release Triggers

1. Notice the Trigger in Real-Time

The very first step is awareness. Pay attention to moments when your emotions spike anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety.

• Example: Claire, in her 40s, notices she feels instantly irritated when her teenage daughter rolls her eyes. She pauses and recognises the trigger before reacting.

Tip: Silently say, “Ah, this is a trigger. Let me see what’s behind it.” Awareness creates a pause between stimulus and reaction, giving you choice.

2. Identify the Pattern Behind It

Once you notice a trigger, ask yourself: Where does this reaction come from? Often, triggers reflect old patterns from childhood, past relationships, or even generational behaviours.

Example:

• Emma notices she panics whenever her partner doesn’t immediately respond to texts. On reflection, she realises it mirrors her childhood fear of emotional abandonment when her father was often unavailable.

By identifying the pattern, you move from reacting automatically to understanding the “why” behind your reaction, which is empowering in itself.

3. Process the Emotion

Instead of suppressing or reacting to a trigger, take time to process the emotion. This could be through journaling, mindful breathing, or gentle body work.

Example:

• Rachel, a professional in her 30s, feels overwhelmed whenever a colleague criticises her. She sits quietly, writes down what she feels all the frustration, fear, self-doubt and then takes a few deep breaths. By naming and feeling the emotion, it loses some of its intensity and clarity emerges.

Tip: Techniques like EFT (tapping), meditation, or even talking to a trusted friend can help release the charge tied to the trigger.

4. Consciously Choose a New Response

Once the emotion is processed, you can consciously decide how to respond instead of reacting automatically.

Example:

• Sarah, who feels triggered when her mother-in-law criticises her parenting, notices the emotion rising but chooses to respond calmly: “I hear your opinion, thank you for sharing,” rather than snapping or withdrawing.

Tip: Repeated practice strengthens your ability to respond consciously, gradually rewiring your emotional patterns.

5. Seek Support When Needed

Triggers can be hard to see clearly on your own. Having someone to reflect back what you might not notice is incredibly valuable.

·Laura, a professional in her 30s, often feels triggered when receiving feedback at work. She notices her chest tighten, her stomach knot, and a surge of self-doubt, but initially she just thought she was anxious and struggling to cope, unaware that these reactions were connected to patterns from her past. Working with me, she discovers the origins of her triggers and how they are linked to childhood experiences of criticism and self-doubt. Together, we practise conscious responses, such as pausing before reacting, reframing the feedback as constructive, and asserting her perspective calmly. Over time, Laura learns to respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically, building confidence, reducing anxiety, and improving her professional interactions.

Triggers are easier to manage with support from a therapist, coach, or a like-minded community and accountability. That’s why I created my Skool community, The Change Makers, a safe space to:

• Connect with like-minded people committed to breaking old patterns, healing deeply, and creating lives that truly fit

• Share experiences, ask questions, and receive guidance

• Access additional exercises, workshops, and discussions

Join The Change Makers Skool Community

Key Takeaways

• Triggers are opportunities, not obstacles, they highlight patterns that no longer serve you.

• Awareness, reflection, and conscious responses help break cycles of reactivity.

• With support, practice, and patience, women can reclaim emotional power, confidence, and create healthier relationships and life choices.

Moving forward

Triggers aren’t obstacles, they are opportunities to uncover hidden patterns, reclaim your power, and transform your life.

By recognising triggers, processing your responses, and consciously choosing new behaviours, women can:

• Break generational patterns

• Improve relationships

• Build confidence, self-esteem, and emotional freedom

• Create a life that truly fits

🎧 Listen to the full podcast episode here:Breaking Old Patterns Podcast