Embracing Your Shadow Self After Divorce: A Path to Rediscovering Your True Identity

Divorce is more than the end of a relationship—it’s a pivotal moment to redefine yourself and rediscover the person you may have lost along the way. For many women over 50, divorce brings a mix of freedom and uncertainty. After years of focusing on family, a partner, or the demands of others, you might find yourself wondering, “Who am I now? You may be feeling so lost that you have no clue who you are. There may also be a part of you that you don’t fully understand—something hidden deep inside that influences your emotions and actions? That’s your shadow self. It’s the side of you that holds your fears, insecurities, and the parts you’d rather not think about. But here’s the surprising thing: embracing your shadow self can help you grow, heal emotionally from the divorce, and find yourself living a much happier life than you could ever expected.

The majority of people are unaware of their shadow side—the hidden aspects of our personalities that we often ignore. Our friends and family may see us differently than we see ourselves, often high lighting parts of us we're not consciously aware of. This is the hidden side, or shadow self, and it can be the greatest gift we give ourselves once we spend the time to uncover it, to find the true essence of who we really are. Understanding and embracing our shadow can lead to profound emotional healing and self-discovery.

What is the Shadow Self?

Think of a shadow in the physical world—it’s always there, right behind you when the light shines upon us. The same idea applies to your personality, it’s the shadows that are the hidden parts of us that lie behind the light we show and project out in to the world. It is the shadow-self or the part of your personality that you keep hidden. Carl Jung, a famous psychologist, described it as the hidden part of our mind where we store our fears, painful memories, and insecurities.These shadows are created by our ego to protect us from harm and live in the deep, dark recesses of our mind. We vigilantly guard them, even from ourselves.

For example, imagine you get very angry when someone like your ex criticizes you. That reaction might come from a very old wound, a wound we don't even remember or know is there—maybe someone, like a parent in your past, when you were a child made you feel like you weren’t good enough and this created the wound that you are now carrying around. Your shadow self holds onto that pain, it remembers the pain, although you may not be consciously aware of it and until you face it head on, it will keep affecting how you react without you even realising that it is affecting you.

"No one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort.

To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspect of the personality as present and real" Carl Jung (1959).

Repeating Patterns in Marriage and the Role of the Shadow Self:

One of the most surprising ways your shadow self can influence your life is through repeated patterns in relationships, especially in marriage. These patterns often stem from unresolved issues in your subconscious—beliefs you’ve carried since childhood or negative emotions you’ve suppressed over the years. For example, if your shadow holds unprocessed feelings of abandonment, you may have unconsciously chosen a partner who mirrors those fears, creating a cycle of neediness or distrust. Similarly, suppressed feelings of inadequacy might lead to perfectionism or overcompensating in a relationship, eventually creating strain and imbalance.

Ignoring these patterns can keep you stuck in the same destructive cycles, even after divorce. Understanding your shadow helps you recognize these repeating behaviours, allowing you to break free from the past and avoid making the same choices in the future. By confronting your shadow, you empower yourself to heal old wounds and create healthier relationships—not just with others, but also with yourself.

Why Should You Embrace Your Shadow Self?

Our shadows reside within our personality and can either propel us forward or hold us back. These hidden aspects can significantly impact our lives.

How Shadows Propel Us Forward:

·       Motivation: Sometimes, our shadow self can push us to achieve more. For example, a hidden fear of failure might drive us to work harder and succeed. Have you ever felt that deep-seated anxiety of not being enough? Instead of letting it hold you back, this fear can act as a motivator, pushing you to improve and reach higher goals. For instance, the high acheiving child will be successful because of the fear of not being good enough for her parents and the fear of being rejected is so strong she can't allow failure to ever be a part of the scenario. This might play out at work years later, imagine someone who always felt scared they would be overlooked at work—they might use that feeling to fuel their ambition, eventually earning a promotion through sheer determination.

·       Strengths: Our shadows can reveal hidden strengths. For example, being overly critical of yourself might seem negative at first, but it can actually help you pay closer attention to detail and strive for excellence. Have you ever known someone who constantly reviews their work, aiming for perfection? That’s their shadow at play—turning self-criticism into a tool for creating high-quality results. When we learn to balance these traits, they become assets in our personal growth journey.

How Shadows Hold Us Back:

Ignoring your shadow self doesn’t make it go away. In fact, it can cause more harm by influencing your behaviour in ways you don’t even realize. For example:

·       Self-Sabotage: Negative aspects of our shadow can cause us to undermine our own efforts. If we believe deep down that we don't deserve success, we might unconsciously make decisions that prevent us from achieving our goals.  Have you ever started a new goal, like eating healthier, only to give up after a week? That might be your shadow-self whispering, “You’re not good enough to succeed.”

·       Emotional Blockages: Shadows often contain unresolved emotions and traumas, creating blockages that prevent us from feeling joy and inner peace.  Do you ever feel stuck, like something is holding you back from feeling truly happy? That’s often because of unresolved emotions stored in your shadow self.

Balancing the Conscious and Subconscious Minds:

·       Inner Conflict: When our conscious and subconscious minds are not in harmony, we experience inner conflict. This can feel like wanting to move forward but being stuck at the same time. Have you ever tried to start a new project, but something inside kept holding you back? That’s the subconscious resisting change, often due to past fears or limiting beliefs. For instance, imagine Sarah, who wants to start her own business but feels paralysed by the fear of failure. This inner tug-of-war leads to stress and indecision, keeping her from making progress.

·       Healing and Integration: By facing and integrating our shadow self, we can bring our conscious and subconscious minds into balance. This means acknowledging and accepting the hidden parts of ourselves rather than pushing them away. Have you ever had an “aha” moment where something finally clicked, and you felt a sense of relief? That’s what integration feels like. For example, when Linda realized her perfectionism was rooted in a fear of being judged, she began to let go of unrealistic expectations, leading to more peace and happiness in her life.

The Consequences of Ignoring Your Shadow Self

Our actions and behaviours are dictated by our thoughts and beliefs, so ignoring our shadows may be automatic and unintentional. These hidden aspects can influence our reactions to events, people, and situations, often affecting our productivity and personal performance. Shadows primarily consist of primal, negative emotions arising from past traumas, painful memories, and emotional blockages from childhood that we have not processed.

These shadows manifest in our behaviours as rage, envy, greed, low self-esteem, hatred, laziness, manipulation, and fear. They often lead to excessive self-criticism and repeated cycles of toxic, destructive behaviour, trapping our life-force and preventing us from being our true selves.

Uncovering Your Shadow Self

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Lao Tzu.

Facing your own demons can be painful and slow, but it's a worthwhile effort for achieving greatness. This ongoing process becomes easier with time, and you may initially benefit from working with someone who can guide you through the arising emotions and who can also see what your subconscious won’t let you see.It’s like the pimple on the nose that we can’t see ourselves but is plainly obvious to others.

A helpful starting point is to ask yourself, “What do I not want to be judged as?”

Steps To Uncovering Your Shadow Self

1.     Face Your Emotions Head-On:

Carl Jung said, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” This means that to truly understand yourself, you need to be honest about how you feel.

So be truly honest with yourself, allow emotions to surface, and show compassion.

Example: Let’s say you feel jealous when a friend gets something you want, like a promotion. Instead of pushing that feeling away or pretending it doesn’t exist, try to understand it. Ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way? What does this say about what I want in life?”

Tip: Start a journal where you write down your honest thoughts and feelings every day being absolutely honesty with yourself and without holding anything back, also don’t judge yourself—just let the words flow.

2.     Understand Your Feelings:

Once you’ve identified your emotions, the next step is to understand them. Explore why you feel a certain way. Avoid judging yourself and don't fall victim to guilt, shame, or remorse. Identify triggers and situations that provoke these emotions. Be grateful for every trigger because it is telling you something and then write about them without attachment.

Ask yourself questions like:

·       Why do I feel this way?

·       What triggered this feeling?

Example: Imagine you always feel anxious during family gatherings. By digging deeper, you might realize it’s because you feel judged by certain relatives. Understanding this can help you prepare mentally and emotionally for future gatherings.

Tip: Write about your triggers in your journal in full sensory detail. For each trigger, note how it made you feel and why it happened and what was happening at the time and why it made you feel this way. This practice helps you gain clarity and control over your emotions.

3.     Practice Patience:

Embracing your shadow self is a slow process. You won’t uncover everything in a day, and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself. Take your time to sit with your emotions, allow yourself to feel them instead of shutting them down, (which most of us do).

Example: Think of it like peeling an onion. Each layer you remove brings you closer to the core, but it takes time. Celebrate small wins along the way, like recognizing a pattern in your behavior or feeling more at peace with yourself.

Tip: Write about them thoroughly. Accept your feelings with patience as they are a part of you.

4.     Embrace Negative Emotions:

Everyone feels negative emotions—anger, jealousy, sadness. It’s part of being human. Instead of fighting these emotions, try accepting them as the shadow part of yourself.

Example: Maria, a 50-year-old woman, felt lonely after her children moved out. At first, she tried to ignore the sadness, but it only made her feel worse. When she finally allowed herself to feel the sadness and talk about it with a friend, she understood she was feel abandonment issues from her childhood and started to heal.

Tip: When you feel a negative emotion, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way. This emotion doesn’t define me.”

5.     Use Tools for Self-Discovery

One helpful tool is the Life Balance Wheel, which helps you see which areas of your life need more attention. You can read more about how to use this tool in this article.

Another great tool is intentional journaling. Write about your day, your thoughts, and your feelings. Over time, you’ll start to see patterns and gain insight into your shadow self.

Accepting Your Emotions and Shadows

Surrender to the healing process by accepting your pain and allow yourself to bring deep emotional blockages and self-limiting patterns into the light. Becoming familiar with these shadows and claiming them as part of you can open your heart and mind, aligning your subconscious, conscious, and super-conscious with your true self of who you really are. This gives you permission to reawaken your self-worth, self-respect, and self-love.

Writing a forgiveness letter in full sensory detail to those who have hurt you, harmed you or caused any pain to you or to your younger self, this will help you release these emotions. Burning the letter can symbolize releasing it back to the universe, then for closure, flush the ashes away with water, or put them down the toilet so they are washed away.

The Benefits of Embracing Your Shadow Self

By doing this work, you will gain a heightened level of consciousness and awareness of your thought patterns. You'll learn to accept all parts of yourself and express them if you choose. It also gives you the choice to change what you don’t like and see it when it shows up in your life.The emotional healing from acknowledging your trauma which may have been hidden in your shadow self will improve many aspects of your life, allowing you to become your authentic self and have overall happiness.

Emotional Healing: You’ll release old pain and feel lighter.

2.     Improved Relationships: Understanding yourself helps you communicate better with others, break patterns from the past and re-direct your emotions when things come up from the past.

3.     Increased Confidence: Accepting all parts of yourself boosts your self-esteem.

Example: After working on her shadow self, Linda noticed she was less reactive during arguments with her kids and new partner. Instead of getting defensive, she could calmly express her feelings. This improved their relationships significantly.

Life is about choices, and with increased awareness of your light and shadows, you have the power to change aspects of your life without being held back by outdated beliefs. Living a life of choice and self-expression, free from regret, makes revisiting and embracing your shadow-self essential.

Embrace Your Whole Self After Divorce

For women navigating life after divorce, especially those over 50, understanding and embracing your shadow self is more than just a healing journey—it’s a way to rediscover who you truly are. It’s not about perfection; it’s about accepting all parts of yourself—the good, the bad, and everything in between. Divorce can bring up feelings of guilt, regret, and even anger, but these emotions are also invitations to explore deeper truths about yourself.

By doing this inner work, you can uncover hidden strengths, heal emotional wounds, and break free from patterns that no longer serve you. Embracing your shadow self allows you to create a future filled with confidence, self-love, and emotional freedom. It’s about stepping into your power and living authentically, on your terms.

Take that first step. Begin journaling, explore your emotions, and give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. The journey to self-awareness and personal growth is ongoing, but the rewards—peace, joy, and a sense of empowerment—are immeasurable. Life after divorce is not the end; it’s a new chapter where you can truly embrace all of who you are, including your shadow and go on to thrive and live an amazing life.